Almost everything written about communication sounds like a cliché. And yet, most of it is true. Many conflicts do not start because people disagree, but because they misunderstand each other. Or better said: because communication goes wrong. This happens even more today, when a large part of our communication takes place through email, WhatsApp, Messenger, or other digital tools. They are fast and convenient, but they are not helpful when it comes to real understanding.

You may have heard this before: a message consists of three components. There are the words, there is the tone, and there is body language. What surprises many people is how little the words actually matter. Words carry only about 7% of the message. Tone carries around 38%, and body language about 55%.
Words carry the content. Tone carries the intention. Body language carries credibility.

Now look at modern communication tools. What do we actually see? Only the words. That is just 7% of the message. Some people believe they can add tone by using emojis, but that is not how it works. An emoji cannot replace a voice, a pause, a facial expression, or energy. When we only see a small part of the message, interpretation fills the gap. And interpretation is where misunderstanding begins.

This does not mean we should stop using WhatsApp, Messenger, or email. They are useful tools, but only when used for the right purpose. They work well for light communication, short updates, simple coordination, or confirmation. “I will be there at 10.” “The meeting is moved to Friday.” “Thanks, received.” For these kinds of messages, written communication is efficient and practical.

The problems start when we use these tools for meaningful, emotional, or important conversations. Giving feedback, addressing frustration, discussing expectations, solving conflict, or making decisions that affect people should not happen through a screen. Without tone and body language, messages easily sound harder, colder, or more direct than intended. A neutral sentence can be read as angry. A short message can feel dismissive. Silence can feel like rejection.

For important conversations, nothing replaces face-to-face contact. And if that is not possible, a phone call is still far better than text. Hearing a voice already adds tone, rhythm, and emotion. It brings back a large part of what is missing in written communication. Written messages are best used afterwards, to confirm what was agreed, to summarise decisions, or to document next steps. Not to replace the conversation itself.

But even in face-to-face conversations, where we hear the tone and see the body language, communication still goes wrong very easily. Why? Because the conversation does not start when we open our mouth. It starts much earlier.

Before the first word is spoken, we already have opinions, assumptions, emotions, and expectations. We already “know” what the other person is going to say. We already feel irritated, defensive, insecure, or convinced that we are right. The conversation is already coloured before it begins.

Our mind plays an important role in this. Its main job is not to help us communicate well, but to keep us safe. To do that, it focuses strongly on what could go wrong. It looks for danger, threats, rejection, or loss of control. It uses past experiences as its main source of information. If something went wrong before, the mind assumes it might go wrong again.

The problem is that much of this happens automatically and unconsciously. We are often not aware of it. Maybe you recognise moments where, afterwards, you think: “Why did I say that?”Or “How did this turn into a fight?” Or “How did we end up arguing about nothing?” Or “I thought we agreed, but clearly we didn’t.” These moments are signs that the conversation was driven more by automatic reactions than by conscious choice.

This becomes even more important when you are in a leading position. Leaders communicate all the time, even when they think they are not. Their words are listened to differently. Their tone is analysed more carefully. Their body language carries more weight. A short message that feels neutral to a leader can feel threatening, dismissive, or confusing to someone else.

Many leaders fall into common traps. They assume their intention is clear. They assume others understand the context. They assume silence means agreement. They assume people will ask if something is unclear. Most of the time, these assumptions are wrong.

Conscious communication starts before the conversation. It starts with slowing down. With asking yourself a few simple but powerful questions:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I want from this conversation?
Am I trying to understand, or am I trying to win?
What story am I already telling myself about the other person?

When you become aware of your own state, you regain choice. You can decide to enter the conversation calmer, clearer, and more open. You can choose your words more carefully, adjust your tone, and be aware of what your body is communicating.

Another key element of conscious communication is curiosity. When we stop assuming and start asking, conversations change. Listening is not waiting for your turn to speak. It is genuinely trying to understand how the other person sees the situation. This does not mean you must agree. It means you respect that their reality makes sense to them.

Clarity also matters. Especially for leaders. Say what you mean, and check if it was understood as you intended. This is not a sign of weakness or lack of authority. It is a sign of responsibility. Simple questions like, “Can you tell me how you understand this?” can prevent weeks of frustration later.

Finally, accept that miscommunication will still happen. Communication is a human skill, not a perfect system. The goal is not to avoid mistakes, but to notice them earlier and correct them faster.

When we realise that communication starts long before the conversation itself, we stop blaming words alone. We start paying attention to mindset, intention, presence, and choice of medium. That is where real communication and real leadership begins!

Peter Henssen